Wow... it's been awhile since I've been on here. A friend pointed out to me, as I was spilling my guts and falling apart, that it had been awhile since I'd blogged... and that I'd mentioned it was a really great stress release for me. It truly is, getting to write and work my way though issues, even if it's in a public forum sometimes. I would hope, by writing about my trials and life happenings and how I came through them - both good and bad - that perhaps it could help others going through similar situations.
It's been a long couple of months, as I already said, and many things have been going on. I am choosing to write, finally, tonight simply because God knocked me over the head with a giant bat of reality and perspective! The reality being that yes, things have not been going to best lately, but I have been focusing on the negative far more than I would ever typically do. The perspective side being, well... simply that; perspective. Sitting back and looking at what is happening and putting it in perspective. When I consider things I've been though in the past, these current issues are not very big at all!
So here is where I find myself struggling. Yes, I will admit, they are not the worst things in the world that could happen to me, but I still feel like there has been quite a bit going on in the past year up to now and - dang it already! - I'm ready to be finished with it all! Last year I had 2 surgeries, one minor - one not so minor. I was in the ER 4 times for the same thing, and spent a couple of nights in the hospital in all that. On top of it, both my children had multiple ER visits for severe cases of strep throat resulting in BOTH of them having their tonsils removed ON THE SAME DAY (about 2 weeks before my not so minor surgery I might add!). In addition to those events, I was moved to a new position I knew nothing about at work, reporting to a boss whom I did not know - all without a choice. Okay, yes, I had a choice, it was make the move or find a new employer, but that's not a very good choice.
To ADD to all those things that happened..... I didn't have to worry about my job during all my surgeries beacuse I was reporting to a boss who understood and said over and over it was simply a job and I needed to focus on getting better and to stop worrying. I had one of the most snuggly nights with my son, rocking him in the ER room rocking chair while we waited to see the Dr. I learned my daughter is still my little girl and although she has told me she is a "big girl and could handle it herself" more times than I want to count... she still looks to me to take care of and comfort her. I watched my son complete his first year of Preschool and my daughter grow from a kindergartner to a 1st grader. I watched myself rapidly develop in my role at work and slowly come to see it was a good position for me, even if I didn't like how it came about. I saw my grandparents, who I love dearly, in Arizona and spent Christmas with them, something I had not done in years!
That's the perspecitve and the reality bat. Yes, there were many things that were not fun last year, but out of them came many blessings and positive lights! So, here I am again, faced with what feels like so much going on all at once. I'm still trying to pay the bills from last years medical fiascos while adding to the sum with more minor issues currently. I'm dealing with the fact my best friend in the entire world is moving to the other side of the US! Granted, that's not for about another year, but I did not realize how much I relyed on her and love having her in my life day to day until I started to think about what things would look like without her. I know why she is moving, and I am excited for her, but it doesn't negate the fact it's something I need to deal with. There are other thigns too, which I am choosing not to share right now, but all of it has come to one major realization which has taken me a little time and a lot of prayer to come to......
Does that mean He is being mean and spiteful?! No, it doesn't! Does it mean I cannot love or see or confide in those I love who are distancing? Of course not!! He is blessing those I love by moving them and distancing us... there are many benefits for those leaving. He is loving me by showing me He is, and always has been, standing strong as my Rock to rest my faith in and build my foundation on; and He is showing me this in a time where I need Him to rest on, to put my faith in and trust His plan for me. So the big question, does this realization make any of these changes and events going on less painful?? Absolutely not. It does provide comfort in knowing I have not been forgotten and I will not be left alone.
I will wrap up by sharing this thought. As I read back through what I had written, I couldn't help but smile. What I wrote here was not what I intended to write about when I sat down... but it is obviously what I needed to write about. Though you are sitting at a computer screen reading this, I sit here writing it with tears in my eyes and a few tissues next to me. It is a mixture of good tears, bad tears and tears of relief, and tears born out of emotion's being on the fritz right now; but I smile because I feel like a weight of worry has been lifted off my shoulders.
And to think, this whole blog started out because of a sleepless night met with the prayer for God to relieve my worries and let me sleep, and the simple and short verse He gave me as I opened my bible after my prayer.... "In peace, I will lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe" Psalm 4:8 The words "... for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe" resounded over and and over in my head as I felt a wave of peace and fell asleep. That was the fat side of the reality bat swinging my direction for sure!! :-)
It's been a long couple of months, as I already said, and many things have been going on. I am choosing to write, finally, tonight simply because God knocked me over the head with a giant bat of reality and perspective! The reality being that yes, things have not been going to best lately, but I have been focusing on the negative far more than I would ever typically do. The perspective side being, well... simply that; perspective. Sitting back and looking at what is happening and putting it in perspective. When I consider things I've been though in the past, these current issues are not very big at all!
So here is where I find myself struggling. Yes, I will admit, they are not the worst things in the world that could happen to me, but I still feel like there has been quite a bit going on in the past year up to now and - dang it already! - I'm ready to be finished with it all! Last year I had 2 surgeries, one minor - one not so minor. I was in the ER 4 times for the same thing, and spent a couple of nights in the hospital in all that. On top of it, both my children had multiple ER visits for severe cases of strep throat resulting in BOTH of them having their tonsils removed ON THE SAME DAY (about 2 weeks before my not so minor surgery I might add!). In addition to those events, I was moved to a new position I knew nothing about at work, reporting to a boss whom I did not know - all without a choice. Okay, yes, I had a choice, it was make the move or find a new employer, but that's not a very good choice.
To ADD to all those things that happened..... I didn't have to worry about my job during all my surgeries beacuse I was reporting to a boss who understood and said over and over it was simply a job and I needed to focus on getting better and to stop worrying. I had one of the most snuggly nights with my son, rocking him in the ER room rocking chair while we waited to see the Dr. I learned my daughter is still my little girl and although she has told me she is a "big girl and could handle it herself" more times than I want to count... she still looks to me to take care of and comfort her. I watched my son complete his first year of Preschool and my daughter grow from a kindergartner to a 1st grader. I watched myself rapidly develop in my role at work and slowly come to see it was a good position for me, even if I didn't like how it came about. I saw my grandparents, who I love dearly, in Arizona and spent Christmas with them, something I had not done in years!
That's the perspecitve and the reality bat. Yes, there were many things that were not fun last year, but out of them came many blessings and positive lights! So, here I am again, faced with what feels like so much going on all at once. I'm still trying to pay the bills from last years medical fiascos while adding to the sum with more minor issues currently. I'm dealing with the fact my best friend in the entire world is moving to the other side of the US! Granted, that's not for about another year, but I did not realize how much I relyed on her and love having her in my life day to day until I started to think about what things would look like without her. I know why she is moving, and I am excited for her, but it doesn't negate the fact it's something I need to deal with. There are other thigns too, which I am choosing not to share right now, but all of it has come to one major realization which has taken me a little time and a lot of prayer to come to......
I have started to depend on and rely and put my faith in those around me and in myself. God has been calling me to stop and put my faith only in Him and I have been running from that call. I can't run anymore, He is distancing those things I have come to depend on away from me, showing me He truly is the only constant I can and should put my faith in.
Does that mean He is being mean and spiteful?! No, it doesn't! Does it mean I cannot love or see or confide in those I love who are distancing? Of course not!! He is blessing those I love by moving them and distancing us... there are many benefits for those leaving. He is loving me by showing me He is, and always has been, standing strong as my Rock to rest my faith in and build my foundation on; and He is showing me this in a time where I need Him to rest on, to put my faith in and trust His plan for me. So the big question, does this realization make any of these changes and events going on less painful?? Absolutely not. It does provide comfort in knowing I have not been forgotten and I will not be left alone.
I will wrap up by sharing this thought. As I read back through what I had written, I couldn't help but smile. What I wrote here was not what I intended to write about when I sat down... but it is obviously what I needed to write about. Though you are sitting at a computer screen reading this, I sit here writing it with tears in my eyes and a few tissues next to me. It is a mixture of good tears, bad tears and tears of relief, and tears born out of emotion's being on the fritz right now; but I smile because I feel like a weight of worry has been lifted off my shoulders.
And to think, this whole blog started out because of a sleepless night met with the prayer for God to relieve my worries and let me sleep, and the simple and short verse He gave me as I opened my bible after my prayer.... "In peace, I will lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe" Psalm 4:8 The words "... for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe" resounded over and and over in my head as I felt a wave of peace and fell asleep. That was the fat side of the reality bat swinging my direction for sure!! :-)
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