There are so many mixed emotions that come with Fathers Day in my home. Mainly, it is a day of celebration, and one my children look forward to! The gifts and crafts and cards that are made at school and at church are adjusted slightly, to be for their Papa or their Uncle, who they will tell you are "kinda just like a dad to them!" Actually, this year, I got a doctored up fathers day card! The word "dad" was crossed out my my daughter and replaced with the word "Mom". It was very sweet and I loved it! All in all, fathers day is a good day for my kids - surprisingly it is one without many questions (for now I'm sure) as to who their "dad" is and where he may be.
The mixed emotions - those are mine. There is a song, one that tends to play at the exact moment I need to hear it - sometimes it plays on the radio, and sometimes it plays in my heart, either way, it's lyrics are one's I cannot, and do not want, to forget. The words resonate in my heart and in my head, connecting the two and reminding me about forgiveness. I have learned, in many repeated lessons, over the last 5 years (since things took an unexpected turn in life) that forgiveness does not always instantly bring happy feelings; it does not always remove the pain completely, and it does not come easily. Actually, I find there are instances where, even over the simplest things - the words fell off my tounge easy, but the meaning does not stick with the words. Forgiveness is something I have to conciously decide I am going to DO; it is not merely something I say.
So where is all this going? Well, let me give you the lyrics first, then we'll go from there. The song is a newer one, any of you who listen to KLOVE or any modern christian music will probably know it. What made this song hit home in my heart, was when I heard the artist tell the story behind it. He was asked to write a personal song for his album and came back with the first verse of this song. After singing it to a few people involved in his music, it was unanimous that he should finish the song, and it should be about forgiveness. What hit me was when he admitted openly, that was the last thing he wanted to hear, forgiveness was not something he wanted to write about, let alone sing about, for a personal song; but he could not fight God's calling in his heart and from giving into God's calling, came the song "7x70" by Chris Augus. The verse of the song goes like this:
Seven times seventy times
I'll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way
Seven times seventy times
There's healing in the air tonight
I'm reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around.
The first time I heard it, was shortly after a conversation with my son regarding his dad. He wanted to know again, why his dad wasn't here. So we walked though the explanation of what happened that I have spouted many times.
Let me note here - it was after a lot of prayer and tears about 3 years ago, I made the decision I wasn't going to lie to my kids about their dad. On the flip side of that, I can't just bust out to a 3 and 5 year old about how their dad was suffering from some mental issues and needed help and just decided to quit seeing them anymore. After working with an amazing counselor and wonderful friend, I found the words that would explan what happened in a way their innocent minds could grasp.
So we finishd our conversation and he was off playing and I was in my room, cleaning, and FUMMING MAD!! It broke my heart to know my son, at such a young age, had a right to ask questions about where his dad was and why he didn't want him. It made me angry at my exhusband's choices, which opened the door for my son and daughter to ask and wonder such things. I flipped on my radio and Chris August was on the air talking about his new song. As I was half listening, I heard a buzzword I always choked on when it came to my ex - forgiveness. I stopped and listened and was shocked when the next line of conversation was about how he didn't want to write a song about forgivness for things that happend in his childhood. I thought "finally! someone who gets it, because I don't want to either!"
Actually, it wasn't that I didn't want to, at that time I would have told you I had no idea how to. I didn't think it was possible to forgive something so painful, and so impacting in my life. There are times where I believe my kids questions and conversations are more painful to me than they are to them, and that is something I attribute to my family. They have been so amazing in making sure that void is not there for my children, they step in for those "dad" things, and I could never thank them enough - but that's the best part, I know I don't have to thank them, they do it because they love my children just as much as I do.
So there I was, sitting and listening to this artist explain how God called him to write a song about forgiving wrong's against him that he didn't want ot forgive - and how this song brought him to that place of forgiveness - crying, because I knew in my heart it was something I had to do, and I was scared to and didn't want to. I didn't want to forgive my ex, he didn't deserve it as far as I was concerned. I listened to the song and cried some more.
I started asking and reading and researching and praying about forgiving my ex. What was put in my heart was not what I expected. In all of this, I had heard the song many more times, found myself singing it and hearing it in my heart. "...I'll do what it takes to make it right..." Seven times seventy times doesn't mean I have to forgive 490 times before it's right, seven is the number of completion - I have to forgive as many times as it takes for forgiveness to be complete. Forgiving my ex for what he's chosen to do to my kids, and as I've discovered in this journey - what he's chosen to do to me - doesn't invalidate the pain and feelings I felt. It doesn't lessen or negate what happened.
Forgiving my ex provides me the opportuinity to put my trust and faith in God that He has it in his hands... it is not my job, nor my place to pass judgement on my ex; forgiving him helps me to let go of the situation and how I feel - not forget about it. Letting go means I don't have to stress over the pain and frustration, I don't have the carry a burden that wasn't meant for me - forgiving means I get to lay all that at God's feet and trust He has all of it, and all of me, in His hands.
Sounds easy enough right? Well, the difficulte lesson came about when I learned forgiving my ex was NOT a one time deal. That's the seven times seventy part. When something comes up that sparks those old ill feelings about my ex - I find I have to take a breath, feel the feelings sometimes and forgive him.....again. What I do find however, is it tends to come easier and easier, the forgiving him part. I remember the pain, I remember what makes me so upset, but I don't get fired up inside about it as much anymore. Sure, there are times where I get fired up and angry and upset, but those are the instances where I see I need to forgive him even more! I can remove those feelings, the wasted energy and the stress by forgiving him. "Seven times seventy times, if that's the cost I'll pay the price...... Seven times seventy times, I'll do what it takes to make it right"
I don't know when I'll be complete in my forgiveness, but I do know my feelings against my exhusband no longer run my life. The feelings and pain are still a part of my life, but they don't impact me or hold me back as much anymore. The day I've completed forgiving my ex could be sometime this year, or it could be the day I meet my heavenly Father and He says to me "well done, My good and faithful servant".
Matthew 18:21-22
21Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Until seven times?" 22And Jesus said unto him, "I say not unto thee, until seven times, but until seventy times seven.
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