...a great feeling!

I can truly say, if someone would have told me four years ago, I'd be where I am today, I would have laughed, and then probably cried.  It has been just over four years since my divorce finalized.  It was an array of mixed emotions the day everything was said and done.  I was excited, anxious, furious, thrilled, scared, nervous but most of all, it was just an overwhelming feeling of relief.  Four years ago, I officially became the full time single mom of my beautiful daughter, who was nearly three at the time, and my amazing son, who was almost one. 

I had always felt like a single mom, even in my marriage, but now it was "for real".  Granted, my daughter was 12 days old when my ex-husband deployed for a year... so some would say technically I was a single mom during that first year of her life.  He came home and we made it six months before I knew he needed help and I needed to leave.  I wasn't even 2 months pregnant with my son when I left; and I left truly believing we'd be okay in the end and things would work.  I was not ready for the decision to get a divorce... but it was only a few months after I'd left that I came to terms with the fact it was what needed to be done. 

So after about 18 months of a less than amicable divorce process (and enough $$$$, I won't even mention the actual amount here), I was divorced - a single mom, living in my parents basement with both of my children at the age of 24.  I had the exterior of me all figured out!  I exuded on the outside the complete opposite of what I felt on the inside.  Outside, I was confident I could handle my life as a single mom.  Inside, I was scared to my very core.  There was no longer someone else to make the call on decisions, to point out when I was doing something wrong or to tell me the right way to do it.  Yes, I was living with my parents, and yes, I leaned heavily on them for support; but I didn't know how to support myself, to keep myself up right and moving forward. 

I had a job, and I was quickly moving up the chain in it.  I've always done well in the workplace, so that was easy for me to do.  Actually, I would have to stop and admit here, that for awhile, I was a complete workaholic, burying myself in my work because it was familiar and routine, vs my life which was unfamiliar and rapidly changing. 

So I did the best I could to make my own life for my kids and I but I was still too scared to get out on my own, I didn't think I could do it... and frankly, everything I'd heard and seen about being a single mom just solidified my fears.  I just knew there was no way I'd be able to pay all my bills every month... I was certain my refrigerator was going to be empty more often than stocked... that my kids would be wearing clothes with holes in them and would look like ragamuffins who didn't have a mom who could take care of them.  It was an odd state of mental being, to feel stuck in the role of a victim known as a single mom, but still trying to exude on the outside a cool, confident exterior that was seeking to be independent rather than dependent on others to care for me and my kids.  What was worse, was I took comfort in knowing I could blame my shortcomings and failures on being a single mom.  It became a normal and safe place for me to be known as... it was my "branding" as you might say.  It didn't take long though, for me to know I wasn't happy being the victim.  I did move out of my parents house and into my own apartment.  It helped that part of it was because I wanted my own space and the other part of it was in attempt to salvage the relationship I have with my mom (LOVE YOU MOM!).  It also helped that I was seeing a wonderful man at that point in my life as well, who saw me like no one else in my past had.  He saw me as someone with self confidence, who was worthwhile and strong enough to handle this life as a single mom.  Eventually, I began to slowly see myself as who he saw me to be. 

Still, living on my own, paying my bills, remembering when everything was due, getting kids to childcare, getting me to work on time... it was scary and hard, but I did it.  I did it because I had no idea what else to do.  I never understood why people would say "I just don't know how you do it" when all I could think was "what other choice is there??"  Anyway, I felt like a lot of my "making it" was more like going though the motions of getting from the point of waking up in the morning to getting to the point of going to sleep that night.  Before I even knew it, two years had gone by in life.  There were a lot of amazing memories in that two years, and some painful ones... that's life though isn't it?!  Of course it is :)

So let me tell you the actual thoughts that led to this particular blog.  I was sitting on my couch, looking around this house... this house that I own, for nearly two years now.  I have been asked more and more about my life of a single mom lately.  I have reached a conclusion in regards to those questions, the defining point in a single mom's life that determines if she'll excel on her own or barely get by.  I believe every single mom has a period in her life, as a single mom, where she is truly a victim... where she struggles to get back on her feet and to find herself; to heal and bounce back from whatever circumstances brought her to the world of being a single mom.  But no matter what the belief is, no matter what everyone else says... she does not have to remain a victim.  There is a point, for some it comes quickly, and for others it takes longer to get to, but there is a point where she can stop and look at her life and decide, for herself, that she will no longer be a victim of her circumstances. 

This does NOT mean everything from that point forward is easy, but it does mean that everything that happens, does so with a different meaning, a different purpose.  The choices she makes, the events that take place, from that point forward, are because of her choices.  It is a sense of ownership, which now comes with both the great things and the not so great things that happen in her life.  With that sense of ownership of ones life, comes a greater sense of self worth and self confidence.... comes a greater understanding that although life may not be going the way WE planned it to, it is going the way God meant it to.  When a single mom makes the choice to no longer be a victim, she is no longer surviving; she is thriving. 

So it is now, that I look around my HOME, and I think of what it will look like in a week (I'm having work in the yard done) and I am happy.  I still have fears and I still have moments of doubt, but they no longer rule my life.  I am happy with where my life is, and I am confident I am where I am supposed to be.  I know there is a whole life still in front of me to live and discover, and I look back on where I have been and come from; I look at the God I have come to trust in and lean on for support in my life....and what lies in front of me no longer scares me to my core, but rather it stirs something within my heart... something that says this life has only just begun, and that is an amazing feeling!