I have to share something with you; I’ve shared this
experience with a few people and each time, I’ve wondered in my head “so what
the heck is the big deal?!” But the more
I thought about it, the more I realized it IS a big deal! This event came up right when it was needed,
right when I needed something to remind me and show me that God’s got this –
that I’m strong enough to handle what he puts in my path. I needed a reminder that I wasn’t just gliding
along on the coat tails of other people’s support because I couldn’t handle it (let’s make this very clear here and now –
this is not to say I take the support systems in my life for granted; I am
forever grateful for the support in my life!). This particular event was one of God’s little
reminder’s that I am strong and able and the best part was, I didn’t even know
I needed a reminder!
Let’s back up (yeah,
that’s right, I’m not going to tell you what it is yet….and no, you should not
skip ahead to find out!). I’ve been
facing some challenges in the last few months.
I’ve been struggling at work and it was building frustration and stirring
up a lot of negative feelings and self-doubt.
It’s CRAZY how those can just
slowly sneak their way into your mind without you even realizing it and then,
one day, there you are… just full of negativity and self-doubt and struggling
to find the good in the situation and just feeling blank. I spent the last few weeks before my week of
vacation at the end of December doing nothing but praying I would last until my
vacation. A vacation fixes everything,
that’s all I needed was a break – at least that’s what I told myself.
I wanted to make sure that when I went on my vacation, I
could leave work in the cloud of dust behind me while I was gone. I stressed over it, making sure I had all of
my I’s dotted and my T’s crossed. My
thoughts started wondering to what the situation would be like when I went back
to work after vacation. I was stressing
over the stress that I might deal with when I went back. I was literally throwing myself into panic
attacks over the thought of going back to work after my week off – and my week
off hadn’t even started yet! It was just
stress, everything would be better after time away, I would shake it off, I could
do that – at least that’s what I kept telling myself.
At first, I couldn’t even pinpoint what had me so stressed,
but eventually I came to the conclusion that for the first time ever at this
company (and I’ve had some pretty rough
patches), I FELT like a
failure in my job, but I knew in my head I was a great employee and provided
value to the company; it was killing me though – not being able to shake the
feeling of failure. It started to pop up
in other places. My house was cluttered
and disorganized – because I failed as a homeowner. My child was struggling with homework and
setting priorities around schoolwork – because I was failing as a mom. My car is having issues and requiring repairs
that I really didn’t see coming – because I failed at buying a good car. You see how they sneak in, and start to pile
on top of each other one at a time, over and over? Those feelings and self-doubt are
exceptionally good at making mountains out of molehills too! Finally, it was my last day at work before my
vacation came but I couldn’t even really feel excited about it – I was sure I’d
mess this up too even though we had no real plans – but that was probably due
to the fact I failed at planning.
I left work, convinced I would start this off right – I was going
to apply the lifelong adage I’ve heard over and over – I was going to fake it ‘til
I make it – I was going to fake being excited and happy until I felt excited
and happy. I left work, I picked up the
kids, we watched a Christmas movie, enjoyed some time to ourselves and when I
headed to bed, I laid there awake thinking about how I was a failure at
pretending to be excited and happy – because I didn’t feel it yet; I just felt
blank.
The very next day was Christmas Eve. I had tickets to take the kids to see White
Christmas down Colorado Springs – about an hour’s drive. We left, we saw the play – I felt a spark of
something resembling success as I watched their faces light up throughout the
whole play. We left afterwards, the kids
talking non-stop – the spark was getting a little stronger – they LOVED the
play. As we get in the car to head home,
I’m listening to the kids while driving through the Springs… this was not a
good idea. I went to make a left on one
of the streets where there are 4 lanes of traffic going one way… a LARGE grassy
median divider and then 4 lanes of traffic going the other way. Apparently, my brain registered this as a 2-lanes-either-way
street and the grassy median as the other side of the street. I got halfway through my left turn, realized
my mistake and corrected. I was not fast
enough. BAM! CLANK! DING! DING! DING!
BLEEP! I pulled my car over to the side
of the road and put it in park in front of a house; I proceeded to get out to
inspect the damage and found I’d blown a generously sized hole in the sidewall
of my tire. The spark faded; I failed at
making a left turn in an unfamiliar area in an unusually large neighborhood type
street.
I proceeded to do what I always do when something goes wrong
with the car – I called Dad. I kid you
not, as the phone was ringing I’m thinking in my head “what the heck is he
going to do?! He’s an hour away?!” but I
let the phone ring and he picked up. I
tried not to let him hear I was teary eyed and upset – mostly out of
frustration over my own stupidity – but I know he knew – he didn’t say a word
about it (because he’s great like that!). I was really starting to feel like more and
more of a failure; I couldn’t even break down right – I was too far away for
anyone to help me and it was 4:00 in the afternoon on Christmas Eve so no
repair shops were open to send someone to help, so now what. We talked it over
and Dad told me there were instructions in the owner’s manual and gave me a few
last tips and we said goodbye. I hung
up, stepped out of the car and fell apart.
How was I going to do this?! I couldn’t
do ANYTHING right, I was going to mess this up and probably end up causing a
wreck. I could just picture it – a donut
sized tire bouncing across the road as my car went wonky over the loss of said tire and other cars smashed into each other trying to avoid said bouncing tired
because I probably wouldn’t have put it on right.
I was a sight – standing on the side of the road, back hatch
open, kids in the backseat trying to make sense of what just happened and mom
having an emotional breakdown on the side of the road. I’m not sure what caused it, but all of a
sudden, I snapped. What was wrong with
me?! This is NOT who I was. I did NOT raise my kids to this point in
their lives as well adjusted and happy and amazing as they are by being a
failure?! I did NOT build a good
reputation at a company I’ve been with for nearly 10 years by being a failure! I did not find such great friends and
relationships and connections by being a failure, so who was I to think for
even a second I was a failure!?
So you know what I did?
I sat the kids on the curb, I got my clothes and hands dirty, I knelt on
gravel and huffed and heaved that heavy flat tire into my car; the fact that
the man who lived in the home I was parked in front of came out and sat on his
porch and watched me the whole time only fueled my fire to change that danged
tire! And I did.
I drove all the way home on I-25 with the
cruise control set at 50mph the ENTIRE WAY.
The long stretch where it was only 2 lanes and a 75mph speed limit was
where I got the most honks and single fingers waved at me; I just smiled, waved
back with all five of mine and clearly and sincerely mouthed MERRY
CHRISTMAS!! The kids and I sang along to
the White Christmas soundtrack all the way home. My spark was back.
I went back to work this week. It’s been C-R-A-Z-Y busy, and I’m still
dealing with some of the challenges I had before my vacation, but you know what…
it’s okay because I got this… and it just took a flat tire and no one around
who could help so God could remind me that He’s got this!
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