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...a race of thoughts

Those who know me, know that I have come a very, very long way from the girl I used to be. Those who also know me, know that I have a very active imagination and mind. My mind can get pretty busy with everything that races through it sometimes. Those fears and insecurities I've worked so hard to overcome, do they ever fully go away? I don't know. Sometimes, they pop back up... quietly in the background of my mind and taunt my thoughts, even cause me to doubt myself. Then I look at where I am in life and I wonder if it's the right place; but what is the right place to be in life?! I'm thirty years old, I have two incredibly strong and smart kids and a warm roof over my head... but there are pieces missing, and I wonder sometimes if those pieces are ever meant to be found or is it me hanging on to pipe dreams? How is it I can look around - kids tucked into bed, listening to the rain fall outside while I stay warm and dry with my dog snuggled at my side - and still feel a twinge of unhappiness... I feel ashamed to admit that, but I would by lying if I said otherwise. I have been given so much in my life, and truly - TRULY - blessed; so how is it I can feel that way? A lot has happend recently, and it's been one thing after another. Friends and family have said over and over that it's a lot to handle all at once; and I agree - it is. It got very overwhelming at one point, and I felt like I just couldn't handle any of it, so I pulled back. I lost my motivation to do anything productive, I wasn't sleeping, and I couldn't stay awake during the day. I couldn't get excited over much and everything bad that happened felt 10 times harder than it really was. I looked at myself in the mirror and just felt as though I wasn't me inside - it wasn't my eyes looking back. And for those wondering - yes, it's called depression, I'm no stranger here. It's hard to overcome - medications and all. It's hard when we see things falling apart and I begin to feel like the thread holding things together is unraveling faster than I can keep up. That's when the overactive mind comes into play, to do it's devious work. "C'mon Lisa - everyone says you're strong and capable and they don't know how you do it... you should be able to handle these things - what's wrong with you??" or "What's the use of fixing this problem? Another is just going to come up." It's those deflating thoughts that start to cause doubt in my mind, making me wonder what is it I am doing wrong? This isn't what life ws supposed to look like at thrity?! But then again, who am I to say I know what my life was going to look like? I'll bounce back, I always do; but what is it that keeps us going back to these places? Where is that line that says STOP! This is far enough... cross this line and you'll have a heck of a time getting back up. Life has knocked me down before and I've stood back up each and every time. Why do I look around my life and see all the amazing and wonderful things happening and still have the question "when does it start getting better??" I don't know, perhaps I am just in a plateu in my life right now - but sometimes it feels more like being stuck in a rut. I guess the question I've been pondering for some time is how do I get unstuck? I do want to share a recent post by a friend that really hit home and help to lift some of the stress I've been carrying..



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