Have you ever just found yourself in the oddest of emotional and mental states? Consider tonight, I have had an incredible week, so many positive things in so many areas of my life this week, and yet here I find myself sitting home, kids are in bed.... house is quiet.... it's dark outside and I am starting to feel so incredibly alone, which does not present happy and positive thoughts in my head. And it's not at all that I am scared or discontent with being alone in my own house, it's more that I don't want to be just content anymore. Nights like this happen quite rarely. Typically, I have so many things like dishes and laundry to do or a book or my devotions to read, but none of those things provide my escape tonight. Tonight, I face the reminders that I am alone.
Now for those of you reading this, please let me clarify here, I am not truly alone. My children are here, and I love them dearly.... majority of my family lives within 20 minutes of my home and we are a family who would do anything for each other.... and I have amazing friends who would be on my doorstep with one phone call if I needed them. I do not look at myself as a woman who is all alone in life, not at all. Perhaps I should consider a verbiage shift and take it from being that I am facing reminders that I am alone, to I am facing reminders that I am lonely. No matter how content I may feel in my life, no matter how wonderful my friends and family are, none of that fills that one space in my heart and soul that yearns for something more. Do I dwell on this thought and get stuck in it? No... I do find that occasionally I have a night where I feel the merciless stab in my heart of loneliness, and that is tonight.
There are positives and negatives to these types of nights. Those of you who have had these nights will understand. Of course, the obvious negatives would be that yes, I must now admit I am lonely and I do not want to be. I want the comfort and companionship of an amazing man here with me, one that I can trust, that I can love and that I can see myself happily growing old with, just as he would do and see those things with me. This is by no means, a sexual thing, so get that thought out of your head now. (not that I'm saying that isn't desired, but it's not what my heart longs for) The positives to a night like this are the understanding that my time is not over, I still have time to find this man, whoever he may be. And it offers me the opportunity to remember why I am still lonely at this point in life (this point being four years divorced and able to count the number of dates I've had on less than one hand). That reason is simply that I refuse to settle for just anyone.
I've already settled for someone (well, more than one, but who's counting??) who has wrapped me in his arms, kissed me until I thought the butterflies in my stomach were going to carry me away, would comfort me in some times of need and who claim he loved me. I very painfully found that wasn't true, not when things were dark and hard for us... and that isn't good enough. It may have felt wonderful at times, but it was not enough. So I consider the reasons why I have not already remarried, or am currently in a long standing relationship. I look back on where I was... on who I was, and I find myself smiling. I am not the woman I used to be.... and that is good.
It took many broken and painful paths to become who I am today, but I have come to realize and truly believe it is in my own brokenness, my own depravity... those instances where I have sunk as low as I can, and am surrounded by only darkness.... when I cry out for someone to save me, sometimes uncertain who it is I cry for..... it is in those instances where God has shown me the raw, true beauty that still lives within my soul and within my life. It has been those dark times when He has shown me He has not forgotten me, when He has shown me how powerful His love is, and that He will always love me, even at my lowest and most darkest times.
So how is it, I can truly sit here tonight, and be saddened by my loneliness? I may be alone, but I am loved, with a love so amazing I could not even being to fathom it. The One who truly loves me, who will never leave me, has provided me with all that is beautiful and amazing in my life. My children, my family, my friends, my trials, my successes.... all of those were given to me God, because He loves me. So although I cannot curl up into a physical pair of arms, I still find comfort.... although I cannot hear the sound of His voice or see the laughter on His face, I still find companionship.
And now, I no longer feel alone.... or lonely.
Psalm 119:76-77
May your unfailing love be my comfort according to your promise to your servant; Let your compassion come to me that I may live for your law is my delight.
Now for those of you reading this, please let me clarify here, I am not truly alone. My children are here, and I love them dearly.... majority of my family lives within 20 minutes of my home and we are a family who would do anything for each other.... and I have amazing friends who would be on my doorstep with one phone call if I needed them. I do not look at myself as a woman who is all alone in life, not at all. Perhaps I should consider a verbiage shift and take it from being that I am facing reminders that I am alone, to I am facing reminders that I am lonely. No matter how content I may feel in my life, no matter how wonderful my friends and family are, none of that fills that one space in my heart and soul that yearns for something more. Do I dwell on this thought and get stuck in it? No... I do find that occasionally I have a night where I feel the merciless stab in my heart of loneliness, and that is tonight.
There are positives and negatives to these types of nights. Those of you who have had these nights will understand. Of course, the obvious negatives would be that yes, I must now admit I am lonely and I do not want to be. I want the comfort and companionship of an amazing man here with me, one that I can trust, that I can love and that I can see myself happily growing old with, just as he would do and see those things with me. This is by no means, a sexual thing, so get that thought out of your head now. (not that I'm saying that isn't desired, but it's not what my heart longs for) The positives to a night like this are the understanding that my time is not over, I still have time to find this man, whoever he may be. And it offers me the opportunity to remember why I am still lonely at this point in life (this point being four years divorced and able to count the number of dates I've had on less than one hand). That reason is simply that I refuse to settle for just anyone.
I've already settled for someone (well, more than one, but who's counting??) who has wrapped me in his arms, kissed me until I thought the butterflies in my stomach were going to carry me away, would comfort me in some times of need and who claim he loved me. I very painfully found that wasn't true, not when things were dark and hard for us... and that isn't good enough. It may have felt wonderful at times, but it was not enough. So I consider the reasons why I have not already remarried, or am currently in a long standing relationship. I look back on where I was... on who I was, and I find myself smiling. I am not the woman I used to be.... and that is good.
It took many broken and painful paths to become who I am today, but I have come to realize and truly believe it is in my own brokenness, my own depravity... those instances where I have sunk as low as I can, and am surrounded by only darkness.... when I cry out for someone to save me, sometimes uncertain who it is I cry for..... it is in those instances where God has shown me the raw, true beauty that still lives within my soul and within my life. It has been those dark times when He has shown me He has not forgotten me, when He has shown me how powerful His love is, and that He will always love me, even at my lowest and most darkest times.
So how is it, I can truly sit here tonight, and be saddened by my loneliness? I may be alone, but I am loved, with a love so amazing I could not even being to fathom it. The One who truly loves me, who will never leave me, has provided me with all that is beautiful and amazing in my life. My children, my family, my friends, my trials, my successes.... all of those were given to me God, because He loves me. So although I cannot curl up into a physical pair of arms, I still find comfort.... although I cannot hear the sound of His voice or see the laughter on His face, I still find companionship.
And now, I no longer feel alone.... or lonely.
Psalm 119:76-77
May your unfailing love be my comfort according to your promise to your servant; Let your compassion come to me that I may live for your law is my delight.
Hey sis...check out this guys post on Love.. http://fisherofstories.blogspot.com/2011/02/definitely-valentines-day-post.html
ReplyDeleteHe is usually pretty dang funny, but this is a good one. Love you!