HELLO!! No, I did not fall off the face of the earth.... I believe I mentioned early on when I started blogging that consistency would not be my strong point; I've done well and proving that point now, haven't I? :) For me, this space isn't about coming up with something to write on a consistent basis, it's having an outlet where I can take the things that come up in life which light the literary spark inside of me, and share them! So why today? Well, today was a rough day. It's actually been a rocky couple of weeks, but what has struck me over and over again is, in light of it all, smiles have not been lost and life continues to move forward.
Today, I was woken up by the sound of my daughter, wheezing and crying and coughing and asking what time the doctors office opened... she had a fever too; good morning to me...... I got her settled and snuggled into my bed, dozing in and out while I got up and got dressed and got ready to go see the doc. Got the kids in the car - both in PJ's... it's 7:30am on a Saturday morning... and we're just heading to the doctor's office and then back home. PJ's sounded like a good idea at the time. Let me just pause for a quick second to say, I am so incredibly blessed by the fact that my family is cared for by such amazing people. They KNOW my family, they CARE ABOUT and LOVE my kids, so I know we are always in good hands and that I can trust them, no doubts about it! <3 My poor girl, she's a sick child. I went in there thinking worse case scenario, strep throat - we'd get a prescription and head home. I was not prepared for what the day held - but then again, I don't think I'm ever prepared for everything that comes up each day... that's what keeps the days interesting ;)
We were at the doctors office for almost 2 hours. After a nebulizer treatment and an x-ray, pneumonia has been ruled out (phew!!). Croup is now being looked at as the culprit for making my daughter feel miserable and icky, but then the Dr., who I know is ALWAYS going to be up front and honest with me, stopped and said she'd really recommend we test for the flu. If you've never had to have this test done, be thankful my friend. This test involves a long stemmed, q-tip like deal but what looks to be more like tiny soft bristles on the end rather than soft cotton like a q-tip - being used to take a swab sample of the sinus cavity.... and it has to be done on BOTH sides. It is not fun, it does not feel good and I can imagine, to a child, it's a scary feeling! I've had this test done... I knew what my Dr. was recommending... and my instinct told me she was right, we needed to... and I REALLY didn't want to.
So what is this part about parenting anyway?! I had to do something today that I hated... I had to make a choice that I knew was the best choice for my child, but I also knew was going to be uncomfortable, slightly painful and she wasn't going to like it... I also knew it was likely she would fight it. What was so hard, was the internal battle going on inside of me. I don't sugar coat these kinds of things with my kids... I wasn't going to tell her it wouldn't hurt... but I wasn't about to tell her the full extent of it, maybe my experience was worse?! (Okay... it wasn't, we now know that...). I explained how they did the test, and she asked if it would hurt and I answered honestly. I told her it wasn't going to feel good, and it would hurt a little, but not for long - like the hurt after getting a shot.
The next five minutes could, quite possibly, rank in the top 3 for the longest five minutes of my life. She was scared, she didn't want to do it, and she was looking to me to protect her. The internal battle in my mind had one side wanting to tell the nurse forget it, get out, I will not let you do this to my baby!!! One the other side of this struggle I kept thinking I am protecting her... she's sick, and if we don't know the illness, we can't treat it... and the flu, well it's not something you mess around with. She wanted hugs... "just one more hug mommy... just one more..." and then she wouldn't let go... she wouldn't take her face out of my shoulder so we could see her nose.... she just wouldn't. She was crying and at this point, so I am - she doesn't know this, but I am. I have tears running down my face, because I know the choice I have to make... I wanted to protect her, and I am her protector, that's what she sees me as. If we couldn't detach her from me and do this test, I was going to have to walk out and let another nurse go in in my place. I hated myself for the thought, it was a silly test... really?! Why couldn't I just say "okay sweetie, never mind, don't worry about it, we won't do it...." The grown up side of me... the side that is getting louder and smarter, said no way mom... that's who you are - MOM. Mom has to make hard choices for their kids, and being mom hurts sometimes, not because I was hurting, but because my heart was aching to want to take on every ounce of pain and miserable feeling she had and to be the one to endure all the test or shots or whatever else would be needed just so I could protect her from getting hurt. But if she never experiences those things, she will never see that she is so incredibly strong and amazing and can get through them.
So I gave her one final choice to make - did she want to give me a hug and turn her head around so we could do the test... or did mommy need to step out in the hallway and let another nurse come in and hold her instead? She squeezed me tight, turned her head up and cried.... the nurse did the test and she screamed.... I know it was more out of fear than pain, though it is a somewhat painful test.... but my heart just ripped in two. I was so proud of her for making a hard decision and I was hurting because I couldn't stop the pain for her - all I could do was hold her and tell her what an amazing job she did and how proud I was and that it was okay to cry and take a big breath sweetie....
What scares me, is I know this is not the last time this will happen. This isn't the last time she is going to be hurting and I can't fix it... it's not the last time my heart is going to break because it hurts from her pain. She will be 9 years old in a couple of weeks. 9.... She informed me on my birthday a few weeks back, that 9 is halfway to 18, and at 18 she would be an adult. My first thought was "HA!! Yeah... I thought the same thing when I was 18...
The test came back positive - she has the flu. She had been breathing better after the nebulizer treatment, but was already going back to coughing more and a little wheezy. My Dr. made the decision that we needed to go to the hospital so they could treat her; so off we went - both kids in their jammies, mommy with puffy red eyes and Sierra in her surgical mask (can't spread the germs!!). It was when we were sitting in the triage room at the hospital, that I realized this kind of experience - the one where her pain hurt me more than it hurt her and I couldn't fix it... we need those moments in life to reaffirm not only the strength, character, ability,confidence, etc. that we often lose sight of in ourselves... but to also reaffirm the relationships we've surrounded ourselves with. As we are sitting in triage, and Sierra is puffy under her glazed over eyes, slightly pale and still sniffling and little a letting a few tears go here and there, she turned to me and said "I love you mommy... and I'm glad we did that test, otherwise I could be getting a lot sicker because we didn't know I had the flu." I had, not 30 minutes early, just held my daughter's arms and head still while she hugged me and fought me so they could stick a swab up her nose on both sides and hurt her and make her scream and do this test.... and she's still telling me she loves me? It gives a whole new light to the unconditional love definition.
So now, after an entire evening of snuggling on the couch, and helping my dad here and there - he was here for the day installing a new garage door opener... I have be reaffirmed - yet again - that the relationships I have in my life are amazing - and so incredibly important. I think we lose sight of that sometimes, the importance of these relationships and the fact that they don't just happen, they have to be built and strengthened and kept. Sometimes, those bad days and low points in life are opportunities to be reminded of the people we have in our life. My hope is that I will keep this thought in mind the next time a day like this rolls around..... not that I need another reminder any time soon or anything... just saying... :-)
Today, I was woken up by the sound of my daughter, wheezing and crying and coughing and asking what time the doctors office opened... she had a fever too; good morning to me...... I got her settled and snuggled into my bed, dozing in and out while I got up and got dressed and got ready to go see the doc. Got the kids in the car - both in PJ's... it's 7:30am on a Saturday morning... and we're just heading to the doctor's office and then back home. PJ's sounded like a good idea at the time. Let me just pause for a quick second to say, I am so incredibly blessed by the fact that my family is cared for by such amazing people. They KNOW my family, they CARE ABOUT and LOVE my kids, so I know we are always in good hands and that I can trust them, no doubts about it! <3 My poor girl, she's a sick child. I went in there thinking worse case scenario, strep throat - we'd get a prescription and head home. I was not prepared for what the day held - but then again, I don't think I'm ever prepared for everything that comes up each day... that's what keeps the days interesting ;)
We were at the doctors office for almost 2 hours. After a nebulizer treatment and an x-ray, pneumonia has been ruled out (phew!!). Croup is now being looked at as the culprit for making my daughter feel miserable and icky, but then the Dr., who I know is ALWAYS going to be up front and honest with me, stopped and said she'd really recommend we test for the flu. If you've never had to have this test done, be thankful my friend. This test involves a long stemmed, q-tip like deal but what looks to be more like tiny soft bristles on the end rather than soft cotton like a q-tip - being used to take a swab sample of the sinus cavity.... and it has to be done on BOTH sides. It is not fun, it does not feel good and I can imagine, to a child, it's a scary feeling! I've had this test done... I knew what my Dr. was recommending... and my instinct told me she was right, we needed to... and I REALLY didn't want to.
So what is this part about parenting anyway?! I had to do something today that I hated... I had to make a choice that I knew was the best choice for my child, but I also knew was going to be uncomfortable, slightly painful and she wasn't going to like it... I also knew it was likely she would fight it. What was so hard, was the internal battle going on inside of me. I don't sugar coat these kinds of things with my kids... I wasn't going to tell her it wouldn't hurt... but I wasn't about to tell her the full extent of it, maybe my experience was worse?! (Okay... it wasn't, we now know that...). I explained how they did the test, and she asked if it would hurt and I answered honestly. I told her it wasn't going to feel good, and it would hurt a little, but not for long - like the hurt after getting a shot.
The next five minutes could, quite possibly, rank in the top 3 for the longest five minutes of my life. She was scared, she didn't want to do it, and she was looking to me to protect her. The internal battle in my mind had one side wanting to tell the nurse forget it, get out, I will not let you do this to my baby!!! One the other side of this struggle I kept thinking I am protecting her... she's sick, and if we don't know the illness, we can't treat it... and the flu, well it's not something you mess around with. She wanted hugs... "just one more hug mommy... just one more..." and then she wouldn't let go... she wouldn't take her face out of my shoulder so we could see her nose.... she just wouldn't. She was crying and at this point, so I am - she doesn't know this, but I am. I have tears running down my face, because I know the choice I have to make... I wanted to protect her, and I am her protector, that's what she sees me as. If we couldn't detach her from me and do this test, I was going to have to walk out and let another nurse go in in my place. I hated myself for the thought, it was a silly test... really?! Why couldn't I just say "okay sweetie, never mind, don't worry about it, we won't do it...." The grown up side of me... the side that is getting louder and smarter, said no way mom... that's who you are - MOM. Mom has to make hard choices for their kids, and being mom hurts sometimes, not because I was hurting, but because my heart was aching to want to take on every ounce of pain and miserable feeling she had and to be the one to endure all the test or shots or whatever else would be needed just so I could protect her from getting hurt. But if she never experiences those things, she will never see that she is so incredibly strong and amazing and can get through them.
So I gave her one final choice to make - did she want to give me a hug and turn her head around so we could do the test... or did mommy need to step out in the hallway and let another nurse come in and hold her instead? She squeezed me tight, turned her head up and cried.... the nurse did the test and she screamed.... I know it was more out of fear than pain, though it is a somewhat painful test.... but my heart just ripped in two. I was so proud of her for making a hard decision and I was hurting because I couldn't stop the pain for her - all I could do was hold her and tell her what an amazing job she did and how proud I was and that it was okay to cry and take a big breath sweetie....
What scares me, is I know this is not the last time this will happen. This isn't the last time she is going to be hurting and I can't fix it... it's not the last time my heart is going to break because it hurts from her pain. She will be 9 years old in a couple of weeks. 9.... She informed me on my birthday a few weeks back, that 9 is halfway to 18, and at 18 she would be an adult. My first thought was "HA!! Yeah... I thought the same thing when I was 18...
The test came back positive - she has the flu. She had been breathing better after the nebulizer treatment, but was already going back to coughing more and a little wheezy. My Dr. made the decision that we needed to go to the hospital so they could treat her; so off we went - both kids in their jammies, mommy with puffy red eyes and Sierra in her surgical mask (can't spread the germs!!). It was when we were sitting in the triage room at the hospital, that I realized this kind of experience - the one where her pain hurt me more than it hurt her and I couldn't fix it... we need those moments in life to reaffirm not only the strength, character, ability,confidence, etc. that we often lose sight of in ourselves... but to also reaffirm the relationships we've surrounded ourselves with. As we are sitting in triage, and Sierra is puffy under her glazed over eyes, slightly pale and still sniffling and little a letting a few tears go here and there, she turned to me and said "I love you mommy... and I'm glad we did that test, otherwise I could be getting a lot sicker because we didn't know I had the flu." I had, not 30 minutes early, just held my daughter's arms and head still while she hugged me and fought me so they could stick a swab up her nose on both sides and hurt her and make her scream and do this test.... and she's still telling me she loves me? It gives a whole new light to the unconditional love definition.
So now, after an entire evening of snuggling on the couch, and helping my dad here and there - he was here for the day installing a new garage door opener... I have be reaffirmed - yet again - that the relationships I have in my life are amazing - and so incredibly important. I think we lose sight of that sometimes, the importance of these relationships and the fact that they don't just happen, they have to be built and strengthened and kept. Sometimes, those bad days and low points in life are opportunities to be reminded of the people we have in our life. My hope is that I will keep this thought in mind the next time a day like this rolls around..... not that I need another reminder any time soon or anything... just saying... :-)
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