...redirecting my comfort zone

How many of you live in your comfort zone?  I'd venture to ask further, how many people in this world even truly know their comfort zones.  I've been pondering this one for quite some time, and it's been interesting what I've come up with.  As I said in a much earlier blog, I am currently working a process in a class called Re-Formation.  It's been fantastic, scary, eye opening, tear evoking and absolutely freeing!  I've discovered things about my past which I'd forgotten, or shoved to the deep dark corners of my memories in hopes to forget.  I've faced these fears and overcome them - and in turn, I've had my eyes opened to the reasonings behind some of the things I do in my life. 

In all of this, there is one particular question that continued to stir in my heart... softly at first, with little depth, but as I continued through the steps of Re-Formation, it got louder and louder, until I could no longer ignore it.  This question was a very scary question for me, perhaps beacuse I knew the answer and did not want to face it... or maybe because I didn't know the answer and I was afraid to find the truth; either way, I could feel God stirring in my soul, working in my heart, to face this question....

"Where do you seek your comfort?"

Are you staring blankly at the screen asking "why in the world would that be a scary question to answer??"  Well, one of the things Re-Formation has taught me is there is far more below the surface of my daily actions and choices.  My surface answer would have gone something like this "I seek comfort in warmth...a warm blanket to snuggle into, gentle arms to wrap me up, a warm cup of tea..."  My give-me-a-minute-to-think-about-that answer would have been "I seek comfort in the Lord".  I imagine, when I need to find comfort, that His arms would wrap around me, keeping me warm and reminding me I am safe in His arms, always. 

Although these could be considered great answers, what I feared, and what saddend me, was when I looked deeper - below the surface and into the depths of my soul - I found neither of these answers were true.  These are the things I WANTED to do when I sought comfort, but I realized my answers above were not what I WAS doing.  So I set down the path of discovering the self-soothing technique I'd come to rely on... and I found it...

in my wallet

My comfort, my safety, was right there, in this little piece of plastic - my debit card.  When I was feeling down, my debit card bought me a warm, yummy coffee.  When I was feeling self concious about myself, my debit card bought me a new pair of shoes or a new piece of jewelry.  When it felt like things were out of control, my debit card bought me a a new gadget or book to keep my focus on not so chaotic things.  When I felt the need to fit in or be wanted by friends, family, whomever... my debit card was paying for lunch...dinner...coffee...movies...

I was so frustrated with myself!  I worked so incredibly hard to get to a point in life where I had finances under control - no more debt, savings accounts and a good montly budget - and here I am destroying my budget and very possibly my savings!  The hardest one for me to face, was the spending on food out... It was my way of avoiding the chaos of trying to plan a meal and then cook it and serve it and clean it in the evenings ALONG WITH homework, bath time, reading time, family time...  It was a difficult realization to swallow, and one that took very little time to decide I wanted to change. 

So, how does one redirect their comfort zone?! 
For starters, I took a hard long look at each of these things... my self conciousness, my "need" to be wanted, my fear of chaos and the anxiety around change.  Wow... when I read that sentence my first thought is "holy cow, I'm messed up!!"  but then, when I slow down and consider it, my true thought is "phew! I'm still human!" 
My second step was to decide where I wanted to go from now on for comfort - where did I want to turn... and that answer was God.  I've sought the comfort and grace of God many, many times in my past (when I had no money or debit card to replace His comfort with other things).  I knew He would be my true comfort when I needed it, so I made the choice to turn to Him. 
The third thing I had to do was remove the temptation of false comfort... the debit card. 

Now in this day and age, not having a debit card is difficult, but not impossible!  I made the difficult and scary choice to leave my debit card at home when I left the house, unless I'd made the PLAN and SET LIMITS on using it - for example, I'm going to take my card and put a tank of gass in the car only.  It was difficult the first day, I had MANY "what-if" scenarious running through my head! 

What if the car breaks down and I need to be towed?! 

What if I run out of gas?! 

What if I get invited out to lunch!?

What if I lock the keys in the car and have to call pop-a-lock?!

(yeah... that last one is a true worry in my life... you can't even begin to fathom the number of sets of keys I've locked in a car or lost!!) 

Dealing with the what-ifs was almost as difficult as giving up my card!  These what-if's allowed me the opportunity to repeatedly put my trust in God, that He would provide for whatever my need!  Matthew 6:26 tells me that God provides for even the birds every need, and aren't I far more valuable to Him than they are? 

Now - I am pleased to share, with the exception of this weekend - as my kids and I drove to Kansas for the weekend - my debit card has stayed at home or only been used for planned purchases (currently only consisting of gas) for a week now!  Even the instances I used my card this weekend, I caught myself thinking "why am I getting this?  Do I need it, or am I just trying to comfort something in me?" 

In one instance, I had brought my card with me that day to put gas in the car.  When I pulled into work, I realized I had left my lunch at home... and there was my debit card, so nice and convienent... I considered taking and getting just something small for lunch later that afternoon, and then quickly determined not too.. that I had not planned that purchase before I left the house, and I would simply have to do without lunch today - afterall, it was my fault for forgetting it at home.  I left my card in the car, feeling good about my decistion to trust He would provide if a need came up.  Shortly into my work day, I was given the opportunity to meet with an out of state co worker - and was told by my leadership that we should grab lunch, and to expense it.  I smiled, knowing it was God's way of showing me He will provide, even in my smallest needs. 

"Look at the birds.  They do not plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them.  And aren't you far more valuable to Him than they are?"  ~Matthew 6:26~