I don't feel old enough or grown up enough sometimes to be facing some of the things God has blessed me with in my life. It's an interesting feeling honestly, a mixed array of scared, anxious, excited, unsure...Like that first time I went cliff jumping at Lake Tenkiller on a family vacation...
Sometimes, that's what being a mom feels like. Actually, that's what just being a grown up feels like too sometimes! There are times I joke with people and tell them I'm not old enough to be doing this, but every now and then, there's truth in those words. Take for instance the fact that my youngest, my baby, is in KINDERGARTEN! Yes.. he's been going to school for about a month now, but I've still not fully accepted it. I mean, seriously, I'm not old enough for this! But whether I'm old enough or not, here I am. Things like paying a mortgage or filling out paperwork for my kids surgery or giving up a night out with friends in exchange for a night in with a sick kiddo, making life altering decisions for not just me.. but for two other innocent lives who depend on me.... sometimes I find myself feeling almost as if those are just dreams, that it seems strange and sureal that I'm actually living those situations.
This certainly isn't where I pictured my life at 28 to be, I've mentioned that before. The longer life keeps going this way, the more and more I cannot begin imagine it being any different. When things get crazy and scary though, and they still do, I think back to that day standing at the top of that cliff. Out of all the encouraging words people were shouting, it was the "Just don't think about it, just jump" comment that got me! I was always told growing up "sometimes you have to fake it til you make it!" meaning sometimes I have to pretened I have the courage to face what I'm facing until the courage finally comes along. Sometimes I have to put on the front that I'm confident in who I am rather than give away the fact I'm shaking to my inner core I'm so unsure; and sometimes, I have to have the courage to admit I'm not confident, and I'm unsure, and I need help.
I have found though, as new challenges are dropped in my lap, that I am not the little girl standing on top of that cliff anymore. I find my balance and my strength in my knowledge that I am fully capable of what the Lord has given me. I come to trust more and more with each day that passes, He will never place more on me than He know's I can handle. That doesn't mean there aren't times when I question whether or not I can handle something, but those are the times I have to sink my trust into Him and know He's walking with me though it all, and in the really hard places, when I don't think I can face another day, He carries me.
Sometimes, life is on a high, and things are going well and falling into all the right places. Kids are happy, job is going well, the bank account has money in it... other times, we are stopped dead in our happy-go-lucky easy street steps and find ourselves hitting some lows. And doesn't it ALWAYS seem like the lows happen all at once? The car breaksdown, kids get sick, an unexpected cost comes up and the account goes negative... Those instances are the hard ones to pull back out of and see the light again, but it is those instances where I realize, time and time again, I need only the Light... the Lord, to help me back up. Those times, the low points, are reminders to me that I am not doing this on my own, the good things in my life are not because of me, I didn't do those on my own and get where I am alone - He is the reason I am here. Without Christ, where would I be?! That question makes me wince, I don't even want to consider that answer.
So why is all this coming to surface in my writing? Today is a neutral day...nothing great, nothing terrible, just in between, but something is looming; I can feel it in my heart. Good or bad, I do not know. All I know, is I am sitting here tonight, feeling the tug in my heart to remember that everything I am surrounded by, the hugs and kisses good night, the warm roof I sit under, the family and friends I got to see today... those are the blessings poured into my life, and I cling to them; not because it is those things that get me though the day - though they are certainly a big part of getting through the day - but because they are constant reminders that even when things get hard, scary, challenging, discouraging or overwhelming, He does love me, and I am blessed moreso than I deserve. That single thought strengthens me, and makes me feel like I can face anything I come up against, because He loves me and will always be by my side.
Standing at the top of the cliff, feeling so very small and insignificant, but feeling everyone is watching me, so I can't fail, I can't back out! I step up to the edge and make the mistake of looking down... oh Lord, there's no way I'm making that jump!
Do you see how DARK that water is?!
Do you see how FAR down that water is?!
There is NO WAY I'm going to jump off this cliff, I'm not strong enough, I'm not big enough...that's what I'll tell everyone...then they won't know it's because I am scared...
There is NO WAY I'm going to jump off this cliff, I'm not strong enough, I'm not big enough...that's what I'll tell everyone...then they won't know it's because I am scared...
Then the words of those I love - those who have always supported me though the good and the bad parts of life - start to reach my ears
"c'mon Lisa, jump!" "you'll love it, it's fun! "You can do it!" "Just don't think about it, just jump!"
Just jump...yeah, okay, just jump...
Just jump...yeah, okay, just jump...
The next thing you know, I've backed up, taken a running start, I reach the edge and lauch myself into the air, close my eyes and scream all the way down until I'm surrounded by the coolness of water. I come back up to the surface, take a giant breath in and giggle as I scramble back out to do it again.
Sometimes, that's what being a mom feels like. Actually, that's what just being a grown up feels like too sometimes! There are times I joke with people and tell them I'm not old enough to be doing this, but every now and then, there's truth in those words. Take for instance the fact that my youngest, my baby, is in KINDERGARTEN! Yes.. he's been going to school for about a month now, but I've still not fully accepted it. I mean, seriously, I'm not old enough for this! But whether I'm old enough or not, here I am. Things like paying a mortgage or filling out paperwork for my kids surgery or giving up a night out with friends in exchange for a night in with a sick kiddo, making life altering decisions for not just me.. but for two other innocent lives who depend on me.... sometimes I find myself feeling almost as if those are just dreams, that it seems strange and sureal that I'm actually living those situations.
This certainly isn't where I pictured my life at 28 to be, I've mentioned that before. The longer life keeps going this way, the more and more I cannot begin imagine it being any different. When things get crazy and scary though, and they still do, I think back to that day standing at the top of that cliff. Out of all the encouraging words people were shouting, it was the "Just don't think about it, just jump" comment that got me! I was always told growing up "sometimes you have to fake it til you make it!" meaning sometimes I have to pretened I have the courage to face what I'm facing until the courage finally comes along. Sometimes I have to put on the front that I'm confident in who I am rather than give away the fact I'm shaking to my inner core I'm so unsure; and sometimes, I have to have the courage to admit I'm not confident, and I'm unsure, and I need help.
I have found though, as new challenges are dropped in my lap, that I am not the little girl standing on top of that cliff anymore. I find my balance and my strength in my knowledge that I am fully capable of what the Lord has given me. I come to trust more and more with each day that passes, He will never place more on me than He know's I can handle. That doesn't mean there aren't times when I question whether or not I can handle something, but those are the times I have to sink my trust into Him and know He's walking with me though it all, and in the really hard places, when I don't think I can face another day, He carries me.
Sometimes, life is on a high, and things are going well and falling into all the right places. Kids are happy, job is going well, the bank account has money in it... other times, we are stopped dead in our happy-go-lucky easy street steps and find ourselves hitting some lows. And doesn't it ALWAYS seem like the lows happen all at once? The car breaksdown, kids get sick, an unexpected cost comes up and the account goes negative... Those instances are the hard ones to pull back out of and see the light again, but it is those instances where I realize, time and time again, I need only the Light... the Lord, to help me back up. Those times, the low points, are reminders to me that I am not doing this on my own, the good things in my life are not because of me, I didn't do those on my own and get where I am alone - He is the reason I am here. Without Christ, where would I be?! That question makes me wince, I don't even want to consider that answer.
So why is all this coming to surface in my writing? Today is a neutral day...nothing great, nothing terrible, just in between, but something is looming; I can feel it in my heart. Good or bad, I do not know. All I know, is I am sitting here tonight, feeling the tug in my heart to remember that everything I am surrounded by, the hugs and kisses good night, the warm roof I sit under, the family and friends I got to see today... those are the blessings poured into my life, and I cling to them; not because it is those things that get me though the day - though they are certainly a big part of getting through the day - but because they are constant reminders that even when things get hard, scary, challenging, discouraging or overwhelming, He does love me, and I am blessed moreso than I deserve. That single thought strengthens me, and makes me feel like I can face anything I come up against, because He loves me and will always be by my side.
You know, you do an excellent job acting supremely confident when you aren't really. There were two times in the past when I know you did that with me. Once I figured out at the time, the other you had me fooled 'til right this very second! Makes sense now, though.
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